Tonight as I put Bridger down I didn't give him his sippy of milk...yes it is that bad that I still give him milk before bed but I like it...makes me think he is still kind of baby like...I'm holding onto that I guess and I need to stop. So tonight - no milk at bedtime. He asked me a few times and I was trying to snuggle with him. He was uneasy and moving around lots asking for his baba - which that was weird too. He always calls it a Cup. I started rubbing his back and he got mad and told me to stop. ha. So I was rubbing my hands thru his hair and he said "Stop toushing ma hair Mama!" Rude! Lol. So I started rubbing his arms and legs....and he said "Stop toushing ma body Mama!" haha he is so stinkin cute!

Luckily he was distracted and then seen his toy boat and wanted that. I said sure, handed it over kissed him goodnight, said I love you and left. Wala! no milk cup! I hope we can do this every night!

 

 

He definitely has been testing us lately again. I started to use the number discipline and it is working a little bit. Knock on wood. He is stubborn so I don't ever depend on one thing for too long. For now - counting to 3 is working. He likes to tests, push buttons and whine when he doesn't get his way. Typical 2 year old I am sure.

He whines alot more now. That is a little harder to deal with.....my patience is being tested daily. I try to talk to him and tell him I can't understand and to clam down. It works 50/50. I was a whiner and I believe Ryan was a whiner too when we were both younger. I don't think that Bridger stands a chance. haha!!

 

Then I stumble upon these blogs every now and then, or more often than not - that tell all these journeys of all these children with cancer. It breaks my heart. I don't know why or how I always stumble upon them, but I do and I can't help but read and learn about everything each one of them has had to go thru or are still going thru fighting the battle. Some endings are amazing and some aren't so great. I wish I wouldn't see these or run into them because they make me so sad. But gosh how ignorant I was. I had no clue about so many different diseases or children suffering from cancer. It is truly unbelievable. Hearing these mothers raw feelings from them themselves makes you hurt even more - being a mother is the most rewarding job ever - imagining what they have to go thru to try to protect, cure and care for their child is nothing short of amazing and heart wrenching at the same time.

 

It makes me slow down each day, treasure each and every moment I have with my own child and take the time to enjoy everything about him. Tantrums and all. I am so thrilled that it has made me do this though....they grow so fast and everyone gets so wrapped up in their daily routines - we never "stop and smell the roses".

 

For some reason this particular thing weighs on my mind and heart more than anything else. I have never been moved so much before. People that are so negative and complain about every detail in their own lives drives me crazy - or pre-judging someone or a family - we have no idea what shoes they have walked in. What gives us the right to cast judgement and criticize. Nothing. and I won't. I could not imagine not having Bridger here with me - I don't want to imagine it. I can only guess the amount of the pain each and everyone of these mothers are feeling. I don't understand why cancer even exists. I don't understand why there isn't a 100% cure or a pre-caution. I don't understand anyone has to go thru it, especially innocent children that have no idea what is going on and it can't even be explained to them in a way they would understand. 

 

I don't really have a point tonight on this topic, just that it is weighing so heavily on my heart. I don't dwell on it but everytime I reach a new story - my heart breaks all over again. And to be honest it makes me want to protect Bridger even more - and that isn't even possible or sane. haha. I wish no mother ever had to say goodbye to their child. It isn't suppose to work like that. At least not in my book. Maybe I am just being ignorant again.

 

 

Wish I could help more than my small donations I make to St Jude.  Maybe this topic hurts my heart more recently as well because a good friend of mine is going thru it........again....First at 21 and now 4 years later - again. That makes me angry too. I don't get it. Not to  mention she has had nothing but issue after issue since the first diagnosis....I don't even know if she remembers what normal feels like. That isn't fair. Why again? I'm not a complete idiot - I know there are no answers and cancer doesn't discriminate....but I hate it. Bridger's own grandpa died from cancer within 2 months after being diagnosed.....luckily his daddy his here to share all those stories of his grandpa that he never got to meet. I know that is something near and dear to Ryan and he would love to share with own son and recreate many of the same memories. It is just sad that is what he has to do. Again, we aren't dwellers  -we take everything when it comes at us and deal. Cancer is just ugly.

Now - I will again take a break from blog reading and browsing. But for me - I can do that, these moms that live thru this...they never ever get a break from it. I am still praying daily for the ones I keep up with that are still in this long journey..... and I pray to thank god everyday for my healthy happy vibrant son. I truly know how lucky I really am. I won't take it for granted.

 

 

These pictures of Cheyenne and Bridger crack me up!! Cheyenne has always loved Bridger since we brought him home. She wants to be around him all the time! Bridger loves her too! he will play with her and jump on her and pull her ear or tail.....and Cheyenne loves it all because she is getting attention! More recently Bridger doesn't want to go outside.....Cheyenne has to be on the opposite side of the yard before he will come out. We finally figured it out that he hates getting slobbered by her! He kept telling us she was biting....lol. We knew that wasn't true...and he would always want his arm or face wiped off. Hello slobber! Well he still loves her obviously and can't help himself, when he walks outside he always no matter what - says Hi Cheye!! haha - ummm buddy - that for sure will get her up to come your way. He is so silly, then he gets upset and runs. Cheyenne thinks hes playing. He isnt. He doesn't want her face in his or her slobber on him...he runs while he cries. see below....

 

 

As Cheyenne was minding her own business....their goes Bridger...Hi Cheye! Sweet as can be obviously ...look at him!

Well........

Guess what happened.....

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Yep! There she went! Lets play Bridger!! BUAHAHA! I am so glad I got this on camera. It makes me laugh every time. It is so Bridger and Cheyenne. Please know she never hurts him or jumps on him or even bumps him. She is so gentle. Bridger is just scared of her slobber. How freaking adorable!!! I love my baby so much!!!!